When I was a child my grandfather moved back home with us.  That meant my sister and I had to double up in the same room.  But because I loved my grandfather I thought it would all be fine.  The only problem was it was not fine because my little sister six years my junior snored and I’m a very light sleeper.

Obviously I couldn’t complain knowing that there was no alternative so I pleaded and begged my sister to stop sleeping on her back and to please roll over.  She refused.

So, what’s an older sister worth her own salt going to do?

I would quietly get up, tip-toe across the room, then quickly brush a little feather over her nose then run back into bed and pretend I was asleep.  This little activity went on for months until one day - as I stood over her with the feather - she opened one eye.  “I knew you were doing this, Mary, and I’m going to tell Mom.”

Well, that was the end of that fun activity for this first born.

My father served in WWII and so did my Uncles Frank, Bill, Charlie, Tom, Wayne, Al and John.  They didn’t talk much about those years.  Whether that was a man’s world or the world of war I cannot say.  Combined, these men represented the U.S. Marines, the U.S. Army and the U.S. Navy.  I always wanted to know more about their service experiences but I respected that it was their topic alone to discuss.  I respected that and them.

As a child, I wondered how my grandmother and grandfather could stand them being away and in harm’s way for so many years.  My mother told me that she wrote daily to my father, her brothers and her brothers-in-law when they were in the service.  She told me that after I asked her, “Mom, why don’t you write so-and-so a letter” when she voiced not hearing from some distant friend.  Her response was that she didn’t want to because it reminded her of all the letters she penned during the war.  I understand that better now; some associations are powerful in the way they tear at the heart in its delicate places.

Who doesn’t hear songs popular during a war and not feel a tug of sorrow and pride at the heart?  World War II songs always make me cry.  “I’ll be seeing you” and “I’ll be home for Christmas” are just two which fly to mind alongside the memory of my mother humming sweetly as she wiped down the kitchen table, “God Bless America.”

Maybe this is a sentimental side of me.  Maybe this is my growing older and more appreciative of what was long ago and far away for all of my uncles have died.  Maybe this is just my heart voicing the love I feel for these great men who made my life special, who made our country great, and made me feel comfortable being around men since I was just a little girl.

Many people find it a challenge to love themselves.  I think that could be due to something from childhood which under-minded your precious self-love.  Maybe it was a critical parent, a teacher at school or just plain rejection from classmates.  But do not despair because those old neuro-pathways in our brain can be rerouted and they must be re-routed.  You really do have the courage to do the “shifting” work to become that woman or that man who you really are before situations and difficult relationships undermined your self-awareness and self-respect.

 Mental health is intricately involved with self-honesty.  Did you know that?  Outside of a biological depression and anxiety – which can be successfully treated – our self-honesty will let us know when we are in pain, when we are hurting.  Our self-love couples with our self-honesty and kicks our butts to speak up when someone is mean and we tell the person so.

 Self love will give us the words to remind our mates to treat us like the treasure we know ourselves to be.  For example I said to my husband just last week, “Honey, please remember to tell me how lovely that dinner was if you like eating here!”  Humor is a marvelous tool of self-love and men enjoy learning through humor not lectures.

 Self-love will keep your spirit strong and your self-confidence unshakeable.  Even when you go through painful times – death, divorce, illness, betrayal, your self-love won’t allow you to stop because you will value the importance of your life, even the painful places in it.  Pain causes us to grow; pain enlarges our personality and our compassion for other’s pain.  Or we could always adopt what writer Madeline L’Engle once said, “When I have something to say that is too difficult for adults, I write for children.  They have not closed the shutters.  They like it when you rock the boat.”

 

 

 

 

Mother’s Day is poignant for most of us.  We all had a mom and some of us are moms. Hopefully, our moms were good moms though I do know from drying the tears of many women that not every woman had the mother she needed.  And for that, my friends, I’m sorry, because it’s a pain that stays a long time.

I loved being a mom and I still do but it’s different now because my daughter is in heaven, my son is older and I have three grandchildren. But I delight still on remembering the early days of being a mother.  In my first months of motherhood, if anyone even mentioned my daughter’s birth or her name, my breasts would leak.  Fortunately, that little tweak feeling comes first to give a warning to hurry up and get a tissue in there!

 I remember the countless Sundays of folding cloth diapers for two.  Both my kids were allergic to that plastic coating on Pampers and my mindset was allergic to the idea of doing something easy when I could do it the hard way. This was after coming back from the laundromat with two kids and the diapers in a shopping cart, bless me Father for I have sinned in taking the metal cart.  But can you imagine what the trip was like on the way there with 100 wet baby diapers?  Oh, the things we did to economize saving for a house.

I remember toddler days of pointing to my cheek for a kiss whenever I felt the urge and buying a dozen donuts after Mass, heaven help me, and eating three because “the kids like donuts.”  That was after bacon and eggs and toast.

I  remember our early camping trips where we all slept in a 9 x 9 foot tent while the raccoons clawed at our water bottles and the entire vacation cost a mere 100 bucks, even with one dinner out.

I remember sunny days at the Jersey shore and that was after my husband lugged down a playpen, a car bed, and our lunch while carrying one child in arms and the other baby in tow.  No one ever slept in those contraptions either but it was a matter of principle because no decent mom ever just put her darling baby on a blanket!

I remember all those doctor checkups and the pediatrician saying to me on one exhausting morning, “I can’t understand why your son isn’t sleeping through the night at four months.”  Then he narrowed his eyes at me, “You’re not playing with him when he wakes up are you?”  And when I didn’t answer because I wanted to get that good mother look, he tilted his head and continued in a louder voice, “Who wouldn’t want to wake up, have a little nuzzle and play?  Next time, just give that baby boy water and he’ll never wake up again in the middle of the night!” Ladies, I think there’s a lesson for us in there somewhere even as grown women.

Anyway, I guess when I think about being a mother I confess that nothing has ever given me more joy and fulfillment and I just wanted to share a little and see if any body else wants to do the same.

Love and peace and Happy Mother’s Day,
MJ

There are two ways of interpreting this powerful word.  First, you are ‘Blessed’ which means you stand out from the crowd as holding a status that others don’t.  The second interpretation is ‘Blessed’ which means standing in gratitude for all the blessings you have received.  Choosing where you are going to stand determines your outlook on life.

When you know you are ‘Bless-ed’ you accept all that life provides or throws at you from a place of there, it’s a gift in here and I will find it.  You are open to receive everything as a contribution to your life, an active role.  The Good and the Bad.

When you are ‘Blessed,’ you are in a receiving mode to the Universe and good will come to you.  You see all the good you have and say, “I am blessed.”

Which role do you think has more likelihood of a joyful life?

Explore these distinctions today; you’ll be amazed at what you discover about yourself.

I am excited to tell you that I am officially in my new sacred space at 30 South Valley Road, Paoli, PA 19301.  Every moment of this move was blessed from finding an office with an inner office for my Expressive Therapy Groups and Workshops using talk, music, writing and art therapy as aids for healing to the comfortable furniture to sit, explore your soul, and share your suffering.  Everything is in earth tones of red, gold and brown because I believe we need to stay grounded as we reach to heaven to manifest our every goal.

First group/workshops begin in June.  They will focus on grief’s journey back to the land of hope.  Everyone will commit to attending 4 groups. Women in Transition Groups will begin in July.  All groups are confidential and what we share in our groups stays in our groups.

So call me when you need me and I will be there helping you to make Every Day Matter.

In my younger days I thought I could control change. I learned, and not quickly I would add, that no one can control or stop change anymore than one can hold back the tides or halt the autumn leaves transforming from green to gold. This brings me to today’s topic of change and how to understand it and accept its daily invitation.

First, change is inevitable. Think of those individuals you know who, despite painful adversity, have been able to go on even after their world changed and fell down around them. These individuals accept - sometimes hourly - the inescapable reality of change. And, here is an interesting fact, Charles Darwin believed that those of us who survive are not necessarily the most intelligent nor even the strongest but those who can respond to ongoing change.

Second, change is difficult. Humans seem to believe that as long as things remain the same they are safe, secure, and sitting pretty. Well, I’ve known numerous relationships in my counseling practice over the years which ended painfully because one or both parties thought that changing their problematic behavior was unnecessary for a healthy connection. I’ve also seen several good businesses collapse because their owners believed websites unnecessary. Additionally, I’ve witnessed some individuals’ health deteriorate because of unwillingness to replace soda and TV for water and exercise. I think there really is an underlying fear in changing old paradigms. Reaching for the old sweatshirt might feel safer than that new sweater but it really isn’t, it’s just an old familiar sweatshirt.

Third, change is rewarding. You were layed off, depressed and stressed out. Less money prompted you to fix your own roof; replace your own front door. Or inspired by your rabbi or pastor’s kindness, you decided to volunteer for the first time in your life. The experience felt so gratifying that you now recruit others to volunteer, too!

Fourth, change is faith in process. Think of people you find fascinating. Are they folks who say no to everything new or are they the ones who sign up for tango lessons? When we accept change - even when it comes in a big soul package as loss and pain - we are moving with life’s rhythm. It’s not easy sometimes; it takes patience and maturity to shoulder daily disappointments. It requires enormous strength and great courage to move forward after a failed relationship or devastating grief. But when we do, we are in cooperation with a power far above our own.

My Friends, when we have faith in life’s process, we are open to change. When we have trust that all will be well we hear the deeper, richer, and convincing voice of a million lifetimes that guides us safely through our dark night. That faith, that trust, that openness will fortify our journey, our pilgrimage and our confidence not to just survive but to Make Every Day Matter.

Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP

http://www.WhenEveryDayMatters.com

When a complex takes over, oh the behavior. But to have one’s worst expression of narcissism be seen again and again in the public media, I cannot imagine the embarrassment. Does a public humiliation really change one’s behavior if they have the disorder? I cannot say for certain except to express that I don’t believe too many true narcissists will commit to the demands of depth psychotherapy to examine their behavior. And we remember in the tale of Narcissus, he fell in obsession with his own reflection and died of unrequited self-love.

When I was a very young clinician I met the esteemed Jungian analyst Dr. Mario Jacoby who lectured one evening in Philadelphia, PA on Individuation and Narcissism. Back then I knew relatively little about narcissism so I asked this kind and scholarly gentleman what engaged him in this topic. What could be the depth of his interest to delve so deeply into the subject of narcissism?

His eyes twinkled; his smile broadened as he responded, “Well, my dear, my own narcissism, of course!” Then he laughed unselfconsciously and patted my hand. I smiled at him realizing in that moment the choice that each of us has to pick our own spots for the expression of that self-centered six year old behavior whether it is an inner or an outer experience!

Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP
Hope and Grief Specialist
Author of When Every Day Matters
Simple Abundance Press, Oct. 1, 2008

There can be a blind loyalty to a parent despite what he or she did or didn’t do for the child. Children don’t want to be abandoned even if the “child within” is 40 years old. There can be buried deep within many adults a place of fierce defense of one’s childhood. For one to recognize what happened and really analyze and understand it, well, it can be too much for a fragile ego. So as we pray for the grace to open the heart to the matter, to the feelings, to the hurt, and when we do we will be free or those ties which bind.

Believe me; I’ve seen the transformation in a broken spirit. I’ve seen the anger melt away. I’ve seen hope return and families be healed. We all need to be healed in this broken world. Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

“Fill Me with Your Glory”
Written by Mary Jane Hurley Brant
In honor of Katie Brant’s Spirit 8-30-70 to 7-10-99

Dear Lord,
Fill me with your glory and your hope.
Help me to remember that without you
I can do nothing very long
But with you,
I can help further your holy plan.

Assist my spirit in remembering
That I can be instrumental and steadfast
Faithfully aiding our heavenly Mother
To nurture all of her children
Through kindness and love.

Teach me to remember what I have always known,
That I came from You and I shall return to You,
And there, within Your perpetual light,
My every tear shall dry away for I shall be with You
And those I loved so dearly here.

Guide me in Your plan to courageously and fearlessly say,
Not my will but Yours be done
Trusting always that my motivations here on earth
Are driven by Your holy will.

Show me the happiness which springs forth from having faith,
The peace and joy that forgiveness brings,
And how prayer always makes life meaningful,
Despite any fears, losses or pain
I may be suffering in the moment.

Love me into full being so when I am born to eternal life,
I shall feel fulfilled realizing I recognized and multiplied
All the talents that You gave to me
And the sweet validation and peace I may humbly claim
From listening to You, The Bridegroom of my soul.

November 11, 2009

To Our Lady of Guadalupe

Thank you, Mother, for placing us, in your heart, for allowing us to be under your shadow and protection, for being our source of joy, and for keeping us in the hollow of your robe and the crossing of your arms.  Thank you, Our Mother, because we have learned this message through your humble son, St. Juan Diego, and through his intersession we ask that you fortify us in Peace, in Unity, and in Love.